Think back to the last really bad argument you had with your significant other. You know the one. It included multiple Olympic-worthy eye rolls, gratuitous mentions of mothers and/or best friends, and at least one callback to something only one of you remembers.
Yeah, that one.
Chances are, that argument was about finances, or somehow related to money. According to a recent YouGov survey, American couples argue the most about tone of voice or attitude (36%), followed by communication style (29%), and then money (26%)—although it’s likely that couples arguing over attitude and communication may be experiencing residual financial (or other) tension.
You may not be worried, since the makeup sex is always hot and heavy enough to make the money argument seem worth it. After all, couples who communicate and connect well in the bedroom consistently report greater relationship satisfaction, not to mention better physical and mental health. But even if your physical and emotional intimacy rivals the heated stuff you see on HBO, if you can’t talk about money without a fight, it may not be enough–no matter what John Lennon has to say about it.
In fact, a quantitative study published in Couple and Family Psychology found that 50% of divorcing couples cited financial difficulties as a major factor in their split.
The good news, according to a recent study from Fidelity, is that couples can strengthen their financial partnership and feel more connected. All they have to do is communicate openly and regularly about their finances.
If that sounds about as appealing as couples’ colonoscopies, here’s how you can add monthly money talks to your relationship without sacrificing romance.
Don’t assume money conversation = argument
There’s an excellent reason why couples don’t tend to run spreadsheets on their honeymoon. Money feels like a fraught topic.
“Nearly half of couples say they skip money conversations because they don’t want to start an argument,” says Chandler Riggs, a vice president and financial consultant at Fidelity Investments. “That’s because money is emotional. It’s tied to how people were raised, how they think about success, and sometimes even guilt or insecurity.”
But assuming that couples talk about money only when they’re arguing ensures that you and your spouse will only ever argue about money. That’s because you’ll avoid the topic when finances are manageable and wait to talk about money until there’s a problem that can’t be ignored—which is the leading cause of sleeping on the sofa.
Money communication doesn’t inevitably lead to friction, and the only way to prove it is to work on being more candid. If you tend to avoid discussing money with your sweetheart, challenge yourself to open up a little.
“It helps to start small,” Riggs says. “Talk about everyday spending or short-term goals before diving into heavier topics. And don’t underestimate the power of making it feel casual; a conversation over dinner or a walk is very different from sitting down for a ‘serious financial discussion.’”
And remember, if you can ask a spouse to look at the weird mole in the very inaccessible spot, you can talk about anything.
Plan for fun, together
For many of us, financial planning sounds like math homework with a heaping side of deprivation. So why waste a precious together time talking about money when you could be arguing over which Netflix show to fall asleep in front of?
But financial conversations don’t have to be a slog—and you’re more likely to actually talk about your money if you’re discussing something enjoyable. In fact, “people actually feel most positive about money when it’s tied to experiences—things like travel, hobbies, or time together,” Riggs says.
My husband and I accidentally discovered this early in our marriage. We spent a long road trip taking turns to name our top 10 travel destinations. We had a blast talking about each location and why we were interested in traveling there. At the time, we were just thinking of it as a game and conversation that helped pass the time.
But this road trip game was also when we began to align our financial goals as a couple. A few weeks after the trip, I suggested we start saving to visit each of our number one travel spots. Setting that up and tracking our savings helped unify our marital money strategies.
We stumbled into the kinds of financial conversations that Riggs recommends. “Instead of framing the conversation around bills or restrictions, shift it toward what you’re working toward,” she says. “Plan a trip. Budget for something fun. Make it feel like you’re building something together. Because when money becomes connected to things you both care about, it stops feeling like a chore and starts feeling more like a shared project.”
Make it a regular date
Of course, talking about money is not a one-and-done conversation. Couples need to consistently discuss income, goals, savings, and if anyone remembered to cancel those free trials before they started charging the credit card.
But it’s not exactly easy to build a consistent habit if you’re not used to talking about money in the first place. That’s why Riggs recommends creating a standing “money date” for financial conversations.
“Set up a recurring, low-key time to check in,” she says, and she suggests a once-a-month cadence for these dates. “That structure alone helps take the friction out of getting started and makes the conversation feel more routine than reactive.”
Since you’ll be talking about finances once a month, you’ll be able to plan ahead for potential issues before they become problems. Additionally, making these check-ins habitual will ensure the emotional significance of talking about money lessens over time.
You can also lean into the date aspect of the money date. One couple I know handles their finances over pancakes—and no children are allowed. They get to have time together, they enjoy their favorite carbs, and they talk through their money. These check-ins help them feel connected, prepared, and unified.
Whether you chat about your money over breakfast, as a prelude to playing Baldur’s Gate together, or while riding your bicycle built for two, creating a money date ritual that reflects who you are as a couple makes it more likely you’ll keep it up.
Don’t let money spoil your wedded bliss
Talking to your honey about financial matters may sound like a surefire way to ruin the mood and potentially start a fight. But research has found that couples who discuss money together feel more connected and strengthen their financial partnership.
Introducing money conversations to your relationship doesn’t have to be intimidating. Start by letting go of the notion that every mention of money will lead to an argument. Talking about your finances regularly will actually reduce friction, since you will be discussing money issues before they become big problems that can’t be ignored.
From there, do some dreaming with your spouse. Think about your ultimate vacation spots or the sports car you’d like to save up for. Talking about money is more enjoyable when you’re planning a fun purchase, and it’s a good way to start aligning your financial goals.
Finally, set up recurring monthly money dates. Since these will happen every month, it makes talking about your finances a low-key check-in, rather than a fraught conversation. Personalizing these dates can make them more enjoyable and help you and your partner feel even more connected. And that’s what helps build lasting love.
“The most successful couples make sure both people stay in the loop,” Riggs says. “Even if one person is driving the day-to-day, shared understanding is what really matters.”